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I’ve never been to me

I’ve never been to me

Becoming confident enough to be yourself

  • taken in Kuala Lumpur by David Rigby

‘I’ve never been to me’ is a song by Charlene which went to No 1 in the UK charts in 1982. For many it is the worst Motown Number One ever, but is pertinent to the situation (COVID-19) we find ourselves in now.

The cheesy lyrics include the lines ‘I’ve been to Nice and the Isle of Greece… but I’ve never been to me’.  It is about having to always be someone else and never being allowed to even find out who you are, let alone actually be that person.

Forward to late 2019, and many in the music industry, as in many other industries, are forced to subsume themselves into industry norms and accordingly standardise their personalities.  Paradoxically the most successful have not done this. Good recent British examples have been Amy Winehouse and Adele who refused to follow the norms. An outstanding American example, even subject to a BBC Radio4 Profile, is the singer Lizzo – larger than life in every category, a phenomenal singer and performer who has no need of pitch correction in her performances.

Come 2020 and COVID-19, the requirement of the performers to be who they are and deliver has never been on show quite so much as the ‘One world’ show where performers such as Lady Gaga, Sam Smith and Andrea Bocelli, and many others sang together, each performing from their own home. No lavish productions or autocorrect to prop them up. And, of course, it is significant who is not performing and the conclusions we can all come to about their skills.

How does this affect us?

Many of us are now in lock down and the only places you can go are shops to buy food or pharmacies to pick up meds – the rest of the time, you are at home, either by yourself or with some version of immediate family.

It is the perfect time to discover who you really are – a great opportunity for self-examination, and if you don’t like the ’me’ you actually are, you can set about changing it.

Many are using this period as a great opportunity to organise themselves, deal with all the filing and position themselves for the future. And then see others, via Zoom, who are in a bad way, and cannot cope with the uncertainty.

Sphere of influence

The ‘sphere of influence’ model is useful here. Issues divide into three :

  • Inner circle: those issues you can deal with by yourself;
  • Outer circle: those issues you can deal with by collaborating with others;
  • Outside both circles: those issues which you absolutely have no influence over.

Many of the issues thrust upon us by COVID-19 are things we have no influence over, so the first step is STOP worrying about things you can do nothing about.

Divide the things you CAN do something about into three categories:

  • Things which are essential to your well-being which you can do on your own. (If you don’t look after yourself then you won’t be able to look after others);
  • Things which are essential to your well-being, which you need to ask or influence others to attain;
  • Things which are essential to others’ well-being which you can deliver to them (whether or not they have asked).

These can include:

  • Ensuring you eat enough healthy food to stay fit but not fat, with, if you want, exercise;
  • Keeping your distance when out and wearing a face mask to assuage the concerns of others;
  • Really learn to appreciate yourself and potentially change the characteristics you don’t like;
  • Keep in remote contact with others and support them when they need in the best way you can;
  • Decide what you will do when this is all over and prepare yourself for it.

And finally: examine the way you communicate with other people:

  • Do you understand them well enough to understand how they prefer contact?
  • Do they understand you well enough to understand how you prefer contact?.

Always assuming you understand yourself well enough to know your own preferences.

This downtime is the lifetime opportunity to discover who you really are and what you really need. The chance to ‘be to me’.

For further discussion and remote coaching, contact us here, or, for Europe info@smartcoachingtraining.com +44 3335660067 and for Middle East hello@spsaffinity.com +97156 652 5970. Take a C-me colour profile to better understand your communication preferences..

Written by David Rigby and Martin Kubler

© 2020 Smart Coaching & Training Ltd 

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Deportment 2020: Know how to ‘talk the talk’ and ‘Zoom the Zoom’

Deportment 2020: Know how to ‘talk the talk’ and ‘Zoom the Zoom’

In these days of COVID-19 you not only have to ‘talk the talk’ and ‘walk the walk’ but you have to appear good on Zoom. Not only do you have to sound good you have to look good too, And not just you – you are most likely to be working and broadcasting from home – so the view of your home must also give the right impression. I notice every one judging what you look like when you have not been able to go to the beauty salon, nail stylist, or hairdresser for weeks and having to do your own cleaning due to lockdown. Tolerance of shady presentation skills won’t be accepted for long either – so brush up those skills too!.

While you are practicing your body posture and setting up the appropriate lighting and soundscape for your broadcast, whether a serious business meeting or a chat with a distant neighbour take a look at the article below I wrote for Al Arabiya News about deportment training for some stars in the 1960’s. And note how much still applies today. Below is one of many of these articles as published in 2015.

walking the walk

Deportment: Know how to ‘talk the talk’ and ‘walk the walk’

It’s now the winter holiday season, and just like in the UK and USA, here in the UAE you see the girls dressed in impossible heels and wearing designers while staggering to various social venues. One difference here is that, in general, they are not freezing to death on the way to their chosen location.

It’s now the winter holiday season, and just like in the UK and USA, here in the UAE you see the girls dressed in impossible heels and wearing designers while staggering to various social venues. One difference here is that, in general, they are not freezing to death on the way to their chosen location.

They may have the designer frocks, but few of them know how to walk elegantly or indeed talk elegantly. There is an old British expression “You can take a girl out of Essex, but you can never take Essex out of the girl.”

This is because they don’t know about Deportment.

Way back in the early 1960s there was a developing record business called Motown. Based out of a house called “Hitsville USA” in Detroit. In those early days one of several vocal groups was called The Supremes. They were often known as the ‘no-hits’ Supremes as at the time every record had flopped.

But like everyone else in the Motown roster, they went to American etiquette instructor and talent agent Miss Maxine Powell to learn about deportment.

And this is what The Supremes learnt 
• Perform in front of the mirror – see how you look
• Sing with a smile – not like you are in pain
• Learn how to sit on a barstool elegantly, walk stairs, get out of cars 
• Always introduce yourself first, then the visitor introduce themselves
• Never see anyone for 20 minutes after a show
• Continue to grow until there is no breath in your body

In England you were taught how to handle a dazzling array of cutlery in case you went to an exclusive dinner. But the main message in all of this that you will know what to do when you meet the Queen of England.

And this is the message.

That group of three lean individuals from low grade subsidised government housing in The Brewster Projects went on to become worldwide stars. 12 number one hits in USA in three years. That was just the start.

And in 1965 they performed at Britain’s prestigious Royal Variety performance and indeed met the Queen of England.

And they knew how to conduct themselves! Years of lessons about deportment both on and off stage meant they knew exactly what to do. As did many other stars in the Motown roster which included Martha & The Vandellas, Marvin Gaye and Stevie Wonder – all megastars in their own right. I first saw Stevie Wonder perform when he was 14.

For those who don’t remember The Supremes you may know their lead singer, Diana Ross. In a recording career spanning almost 50 years she sold over 140 million records and is still performing to great reviews today while in her seventies.

But what distinguished them from the rest? In many cases they were the first black girl groups to break into the largely white supper clubs and TV shows. Sure, they can sing, but they could also put on a good show, deal with the audience and not be scared of anyone.

Why could they do this? Because they had deportment.

In the old days in Britain, the rich girls ‘came out’ (different meaning today!) after going to finishing school. They learnt how to walk in heels with a set of books balanced on their heads. These days you can record yourself, take selfies, and video yourself moving around. So observe and improve – sometimes you can’t see it yourself but a coach can help you.

Just putting someone in a posh frock and high heels doesn’t work. To again quote Margaret Thatcher: “If you have to tell people you are a lady – then you aren’t”.And all this applies in a slightly different way to the guys too!

Both need to both ‘talk the talk’ and ‘walk the walk!’

Learn all the skills before it really matters – and when time comes you can walk into the audition or job interview an unknown and come out a star!

David Rigby is a founding director of Smart Coaching & Training. He is based in Europe as an international keynote speaker, trainer, consultant, and executive coach. He developed a training practice focusing on Behavioural Preference Profiling and Signature Corporate Training suite.

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Becoming the leader you want to be

Becoming the leader you want to be

Expectations of leaders and aspiring leaders in business today have never been higher and the demands on them never been greater.

What are these expectations and demands and how can senior executives get the support they need?

First … there is the sheer volume of work: significant number of tasks to accomplish and vast swathes of information to filter. Emails, phone calls, meetings, travel, conferences, presentations, reports, 24-hour connectivity; it’s not surprising if senior executives become exhausted.

Second … the pace of change and the levels of uncertainty surrounding business decisions have never been higher. Executives who are used to striving for specific, measurable goals may not be so great at handling the ambiguity and fluidity that rapidly changing situations can bring.

Third … where companies used to run on a simple top-down command and control basis, it is now widely recognised that the best businesses are those that harness creativity, innovation and entrepreneurship. The most effective leaders are those that participate in, encourage and manage collaborative teams.

Fourth … leaders and aspiring leaders play a crucial role in engagement. The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) defines engagement as “feeling positive about your job, as well as being prepared to go the extra mile and do the best of your ability.”

Not surprisingly, engagement is linked to a wide range of positive outcomes. Two important drivers are for people to have opportunities to feed their views upwards and to feel well informed about what is happening in their organization. But a key driver of engagement is for people to think their leaders – especially their manager or line manager – is committed to the organization and cares about them.

Fifth … a major study by Watson Wyatt:Connecting Organisational Communication to Financial Performance found that “a significant improvement in communication effectiveness is associated with a 29.5 per cent increase in market value.” Once again, it’s the leader who needs to be communicating.

So, leaders face a greater work load; a more challenging, fluid and ambiguous business environment than ever before; are key drivers in employee engagement, and their effective communication skills and their ability to harness the creativity and entrepreneurship of their teams is essential if the business is to succeed. It’s not surprising that some leaders and aspiring leaders lose focus or wonder if they are doing a good job.

It’s not surprising that some leaders and aspiring leaders lose focus or wonder if they are doing a good job. In Development Dimensions International’s Global Leadership Forecast 2011 only 38% of the 12,423 senior executives participating in the study reported the level of leadership in their organization as ‘good’ or ‘excellent.’

However, the positive news for leaders and aspiring leaders is that help is available and that companies want to invest in supporting their leaders and aspiring leaders.

The Value of Executive Coaching

A DMB study in connection with the Human Capital Institute on emerging practices in executive coaching suggests that organizations are planning to increase their investment in supporting leaders and aspiring leaders in several key areas. Specifically, by helping capable executives reach higher performance, and in supporting high potential executives. Similarly, coaching is seen as having the greatest impact when it is used to groom high potential executives and help high potential executives achieve higher performance, rather then for remedial purposes.

For those respondents who measured the financial impact of coaching, 77% estimated the ROI on coaching to be at least equal to the investment. Some respondents reported the ROI on coaching to be as high as 500%. An earlier study by the International Professional Management Association found that training plus coaching was four times more effective than training alone.

It will pay dividends for any leader or aspiring leader who wants to fulfill their potential and deliver real benefit to their business to make a solid case for the value of executive coaching. While you are making the case for your organization to invest in executive coaching to support you in challenging times, here are a few hints and tips to keep you on track

  • Think about what is most important to you. Not what you do but how you behave. In a tough business environment staying true to your values will give you a guiding star on which to base decisions and choose priorities.
  • Leadership is about values and behaviour – not about having all the solutions. Establish end goals and empower your team to come up with solutions – this will open up far more opportunities and motivate your team.
  • Keep communicating. Explain your thinking and keep up an ongoing narrative with your team about the progress towards your goals. Remember any good story has ups and downs, so don’t be afraid to admit to adversity.
  • Be consistent. If you set up new initiatives or new ways of doing things – especially if they relate to communication or team empowerment – then keep them going. Show real leadership qualities and stay steady regardless of set-backs.
  • Be decisive. Far more damage is done to businesses by delaying decisions than by taking wrong decisions. If you find yourself unable to take a decision ask what additional information you need to make the decision. If that information is not available then staying true to your values will help make a decision.
  • Remember 80% is good enough. Whatever the task, if its 80% good enough, sign it off and move on. Striving for perfection, or taking on too many tasks because only you can do them well enough is a recipe for bottlenecks, frustration, stress and lack of achievement.
  • Flip negative to positive. When facing a set-back, make a conscious effort to look at the opportunities that a challenging situation presents you with, rather than just the problems. The results may surprise you.
  • Focus on your team rather than yourself. If you focus on supporting your people and enabling them to improve their performance in tough times, you will find you are more likely to reach overall goals and less likely run into self- absorption and lack of focus.
  • Be open to learning. Setting out to learn something new, to expand your knowledge or skills is life-enhancing, confidence-boosting and can have a positive effect on other aspects of your performance. Don’t close down in reaction to adversity; open up.

And finally I have no hesitation in repeating point 1 because it is so important …

  1. Think about what is most important to you. Not what you do but how you behave. In a tough business environment staying true to your values will give you a guiding star on which to base decisions and choose priorities.

Halina Jaroszewska is an Executive Coach, professionally certified by the International Coach Federation. Halina helps leaders and aspiring leaders to turn uncertainty into a powerful tool for change and growth. Her aim is to enable clients to take their success to the next level, switch surviving into thriving, and maximise their potential during challenging times

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Questions to Ask in a time of Uncertainty

Questions to Ask in a time of Uncertainty

Russell Building - Justin Ladia CC

Is the question ‘Would you like to write an article about asking great questions?’ a great question?

In theory it isn’t, because it’s a closed question – the answer is either ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. But it is also an emotive question. Why?

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]If I say ‘Yes’ – then I am responding as the questioner would like. And I am also committing myself to accepting an obligation.

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]If I say ‘No’ – then I am not committing to anything. But I am disappointing the requester. And ultimately repeatedly responding ‘No’ might weaken our relationship.

 

A little about Open and Closed questions

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]Closed questions require a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer and are designed to shut down a conversation and may not give the questioned a chance to respond. However, ‘Yes but…’ or ‘No but…’ gives the receiver a way out and an opportunity to qualify their response.Why What When How

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]Open questions such as ‘Who…?’ ’What…?’, ‘When…?’ ‘How…?’ dig deeper. For example, ‘When…?’ can elicit facts. And a greater question can start with ‘Why…?’ which not only may elicit facts but also an opinion. An even greater question would be ‘How do/did you feel about…?’ And a truly great provocative question might start ‘How do you think I felt when you ….?’

 

What about Referendums?

Governments typically set referendums when they want support from the people to ratify a certain way forward.

In some governments if the ‘people’ give the ‘wrong’ answer then after some brainwashing they keep running the same referendum until they get the ‘right’ answer.

In the case of the UK Brexit referendum, the actual Brexit question was ‘Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?’ and was designed by the Conservative Prime Minister to quell the support from some of the anti-European conservative MPs. And it was expected by the politicians to elicit a ‘Remain’ response.

This it failed to achieve.

(Interestingly, the original question was a ‘Yes/No’ closed question: ‘Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union?’ however the Electoral Commission decided that might be a bad idea saying, ‘Our assessment suggests that it is possible to ask a question which would not cause concerns about neutrality, whilst also being easily understood.’)

Questions

 

The ‘leave’ response was the marginal winner from those who bothered to vote, and is considered to be a protest vote by those feeling disenfranchised by the elite in Westminster. It was not an expression of actual opinion in response to the question. And so far, it has not been politically possible to re-run the referendum in spite of a lot of toing and froing…and… the crucial question is….

 

‘…what would the referendum question be?’

 

What is has achieved is to divide the UK population generationally, within families, between friends along ‘remainer’ and ‘leaver’ sides. It has prevented rational debate which is lost in claims over which side can tell the best lies where facts and accountability don’t matter anymore.

 

So Questions to Ask in a time of Uncertainty

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]Expect the ‘fact’ questions such as ‘Who/What/When/How’ will get emotive non-fact based responses. But still go ahead and ask them.

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]If you ask ‘What do you think about..?’ questions you can expect people to possibly get angry in their responses. That’s fine but be prepared.

[i type=”icon-ok” color=”icon-blue” bg=””]Leading questions like ‘Don’t you agree that….?’ can also be fine, unless the person doesn’t agree. By stating your opinion up front you are potentially asking for trouble – better to get their opinion first.

 

Remember what you want to achieve. If all you want is someone’s opinion, ask what you like. You can disagree privately or publicly prepare for battle. If you want to find facts, ask more probing questions. If you want to influence or persuade, couch your questions in collaborative language. Better still, ask us to help you with some Really Clever Coaching Questions.

 David Rigby – davidr@smartcoachingtraining.co.uk

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Careering from Career to Career

Careering from Career to Career

Recently, I met one of my clients, whom, two years ago, I encouraged to ‘swim in a different pool’ (according to her testimonial). She is very happy in her new role. She says, as a career coach I gave her the courage to change. But first she needed to decide what she wanted to do

  • How did she do it?
  • How would you do it?

For many people they get their first job by chance, by who they knew, by their qualifications or education subjects.

So career decisions are fixed when you start specialising at school. Some of us have the courage to change over the years. Or maybe every job move is based on doing the same thing, just getting more money or in a different place. This is how promotions shift people from doing to managing – many don’t like it but put up with it.

Read the full article

 

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